The
PINK STUCCO PAGE
Here
is where we poke a little fun at ourselves and the rest of the legal profession.
For anyone who has visited our office, the name of the page is self evident.
If you are looking for the truly nasty lawyer jokes here, you won't find them
since everyone knows there is no such thing as a nasty attorney.
THE LAWYER and THE BEAR
A lawyer, who was quite
wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated
for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different
friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one
particular occasion, he
invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the
friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.
Early one morning the lawyer
and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their
morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch,
along came two huge bears,
a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears,
immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't
so lucky, and the male bear
reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his
Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he
could, and got the local sheriff. The
sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the
lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were
still there. "He's in that one!" cried
the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his
friend's family danced in his head. He
just had to save his friend. The sheriff
looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim and shot the female.
"Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer,
"I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, ...
"would you believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the male?"
THAT'S STRANGE!
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the
tombstone maker to inscribe
on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would
be confusing, for passersby
would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was
both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain
to remark:
"That's Strange!"
BILLING
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly
interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the
doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor
asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for
legal advice when you're out of
the office?" "I give
it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed
to give it a try. The
next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his
mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer
LITIGATION
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit
filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which
the railroad passed. The rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the
bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice
of the peace in the back
room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the
rancher and tried to get
him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and
finally the rancher agreed to take half
of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the
check, the young lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you
this, old man, but I put one over on you
in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the
fireman was in the caboose when the train
went through your ranch that morning.
I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller,
I was a little worried
about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home
this morning."
Farmer Joe
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take
the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was
questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"'
asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite
mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question.
Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving
down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying
to establish the fact that,
at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman
on the scene that he was fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying
to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer
Joe's answer and said to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying,
I had just loaded Bessie
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right
in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear
ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just
by her groans. Shortly after the accident
a highway patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at me." He said, "Your mule was in such
bad shape I had to shoot her. How are
you feeling?"
THEFT
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried
this creative defense: "My
client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish
the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic,
I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as
he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the
bench, and walked out.
AS NASTY AS THEY GET
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and
asked the bartender, "Do you serve
lawyers here?". "Sure
do," replied the bartender. "Good,"
said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
THE GENIE
One day, a man was walking along the beach and
came across an odd-looking
bottle. Not being
one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much
to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For
releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,"
said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic. "But there's
a catch," the Genie continued. "What
catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes,
every lawyer in the world will
receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Hey,
I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari
appeared in front of the man. "Now,
every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,"
said the Genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied
the man, and POOF! One
million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now,
every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,"
the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million,"
replied the man. "And
what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The
man thought long and hard, and finally said,
"Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a
kidney..."
THE GIFT OF AN ORANGE
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jetson
asked one of his better students,
"Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go
about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
the Professor instructed. The
student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey
to you all and singular, my estate
and interests, rights, claim, title, claim
and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind,
juice, pulp, and seeds, and all
rights and advantages with full power to bite,
cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with
and without the pulp, juice, rind
and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter
or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or
kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding
....."
OTHER JOKES WE CONSIDER ENTERTAINING
Haikus To You
Replace those artless computer
error messages with kinder,
gentler Haikus.
Poetry majors don't go into shock and flame us- so they don't have the traditional
7-5-7.
A file that big? It
might be very useful. But
now it is gone.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect,
repent and reboot. Order
shall return.
Aborted effort: Close
all that you have. You ask
way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen is
not the true Tao, until you
bring fresh toner.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
Your file is not here.
Out of memory. We
wish to hold the whole sky, but
we never will.
Serious error. All
shortcuts have disappeared Screen.
Mind. Both are blank.
><><><>><><><>><><><>>><<<<><><<><>><><<<><><><><><><
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Dam!!
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
=========== Things
You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Comeback
with that! Bad Dog! That's
cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
Don't worry, I think it is sharp enough.
Sterile,
shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
#*****&&&#*****####*#***#******##########*#*#*******
----------------------------------------------------------------
Potato Head Family
One night, the women in the Potato Head family were preparing
dinner. Mother Potato Head
and her three daughters. Midway through the preparation
of the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother?" she
said. "I have an announcement
to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious
excitement in her eldest
daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, "I'm getting
married!"
The other Potato daughters squealed with surprise as Mother
Potato exclaimed, "Married!
That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest
daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet
is a fine tater, a fine
tater indeed!" said Mother Potato.
As they resumed the meal preparation, the middle daughter
spoke up. "Mother? I, too,
have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. The
middle daughter paused,
then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful!
Twice the good news in one
evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho
is a fine tater, a fine
tater indeed!"
Once again the room came alive with laughter and excited
plans for the future, when
the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Umm... I,
too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same
sheepish grin as her sisters
before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I
am getting married, as well!"
"That's wonderful. Who are you marrying?" asked Mother
Potato Head.
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!" the youngest Potato daughter
replied.
"PETER JENNINGS?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But
he's just a common tater!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is the transcript of
an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October, 1995.
***************************************************************
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval OPs 10.X.95.
>> ***************************************************************
>>
>> Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees
to the >> North to
avoid a collision. >>
>> Canadians: Recommend you divert
YOUR course 15 degrees to
>> the South to avoid a collision.
>> >> Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.
>> I say again, divert YOUR course.
>> >> Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
>> >> Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI,
>> WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY.
>> DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
>>
>> Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
>>
> >